sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
