so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
