You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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