Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
