Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i drank out of a bidet.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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