Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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