Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
