My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
