did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
