Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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