his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
MIDGETS
????
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
