well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
