meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
