so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
