Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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