You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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