she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
