dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
