now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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