I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
pray to the hookup gods
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
