Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
