this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
