I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
