I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
