The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
