An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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