My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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