At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
