is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
