she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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