I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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