I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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