Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
