it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
