if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
