pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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