theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He felt like a one man threesome
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Randomize
