One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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