Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
