I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
