I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
operation harelip BJ is a go
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
