He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
