If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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