Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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