I wish my penis had an off switch
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Couch. On fire.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
