I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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