just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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