We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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