Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
