I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Randomize
