I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
