I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
